Clomid, Ovulation & 2WW

So guess what?  

I OVULATED  

That's right, Clomid 50mg actually worked and I ovulated on cycle day 16.  That puts me at 6dpo today and feeling on top of the world.  Here's how the last week has gone for me:

Cycle Day 15:  OPK almost positive, sharp cramping pains started around 8:00pm.  Achy body, very gassy.  First positive OPK at midnight.

Cycle Day 16 (Ovulation):  Positive OPK at 10:15am and 5:30pm.  Full ferning pattern on salvia test with first morning saliva.  Very intense and uncomfortable cramping/twinging in the evening.  Difficult to walk, cough or sneeze without cramping.  Bloated, exhausted, feeling warm and noticed an increase in CM.

Cycle Day 17 (1dpo):  Pinching and twinging on the left side.  Noticed bleeding gums after brushing my teeth in the morning.  Skin very clear and glowing.  Negative OPK at 1:15pm and partial ferning pattern with first morning saliva.

Cycle Day 18 (2dpo):  Feeling very warm all the time, pinching and twinging on the left side.  Lower back aching and body feeling generally tired and achy.

Cycle Day 19 (3dpo):  Nothing to note.

Cycle Day 20 (4dpo):  Nothing to note.

Cycle Day 21 (5dpo):  Woke up with a very full bladder in the early hours and had to get out of bed to pee.  Light cramping when I first woke up again.  Headaches, high temps and achy body in the late afternoon.  Feeling generally tired and sick.  Cramping more noticeable in the evening, like my period is about to start.

Cycle Day 22 (6dpo):  Had a very full bladder when I woke up.  Dull cramping during the morning.  Feeling relaxed and positive.

So there you have it!  Test date is Friday April 6th, which will be 13dpo.  I debated waiting until after my period is due, like I normally do, but something about this cycle has got me wanting to test early!  Wish me luck x

Could it be?

Is it true?  Am I really going to ovulate this cycle?  The last time I posted, my period arrived and I did my own little happy dance for that.  This time, I'm dancing because I finally, after God-only-knows how long, got a positive OPK.  I tested around 2:00pm on cycle day 15 (yesterday) and the line was getting darker - I knew I was close.  I tested again when I got home that night, around 12:15am, and the line was super dark.  I literally thought I was dreaming.  I had just about given up on OPK's altogether and genuinely believed I would never get a positive result.  

But raise your glasses ladies, because it looks as though 50mg of Clomid is about to work - I HAVE to be ovulating.  From 8:00pm last night, until I finally crashed in bed around 1:00am, the stabbing and twinging on my left side was off the charts.  It was unlike anything I've ever felt, so I know it has to be those gorgeous ovaries doing their thing.

So the plan is to continue taking OPK's until they are stark white again, keep sexing it up, temping and recording all relevant signs.  Fingers crossed, I'll be in the two week wait before we know it.

And as far as Clomid is concerned, my side effects have been relatively mild.  I was experiencing hot flashes fairly regularly, but now that I think of it, I haven't had one for a few days.  I started feeling twinging and general movement/heaviness down there from about cycle day four.  The past few days, I've felt as though tiny bricks were tied to each of my ovaries and that somehow my entire uterus had dislodged and was bouncing around inside me every time I took a step.  Uncomfortable, but not painful.

Last but not least, I just finished wiping my eyes after bawling on Mike's shoulder because I checked the results on my Maybe Baby Saliva Microscope - the slide was alive with ferns.  For those of your not familiar with this form of ovulation prediction, your saliva is also a hormone indictor.  Before ovulation, its pattern is mainly blank or an arrangement of spots and dots.  Leading up to ovulation, you might start seeing lines or storks, and right during ovulation a full-blown ferning pattern breaks out.  I've never seen anything but spots and dots, regardless of the time of the month.  So you can understand my utter shock at this morning's results!  I only wish I could take a photo and show you. 

If Clomid 50mg works for me, which it seems it has, I will be extremely hopeful for the next round (if we even get that far).  At this stage, I'm not optimistic about actually conceiving this cycle, but that's mainly because I can't imagine it ever happening.  But you never know....

The Happy Little Tampon

After seventy-four days of emotional ups and downs, ten days of Provera and a hell-of-a-lot of waiting, I am happy to report that cycle number four has officially ended.  Thank God for that.  I feel like I've been treading water for two and a half months and now I can finally rest, albeit bedridden and in a substantial amount of pain. 

So, now that I've finally got my period, it's all systems go for cycle number five, A.K.A Clomid Chapter One.  In twenty minutes, my OB/GYN's office will open and I'll be able to call and let him know what's happened so we can plan the way forward.  I know in many of my previous posts I have painted this particular doctor as somewhat of a bad guy.  In the light of day, he's just your average OB/GYN - old, arrogant, and awkward.  I've come to accept that he, like all other doctors, has his particular method of care.  He's offered to monitor my Clomid cycles initially with blood tests only.  While this may not be as involved as I'd like, it's still effective.  If after three or four cycles, we still can't achieve a pregnancy, he will monitor closer.  

However, we have our Fertility Specialist appointment booked for May 14th, so that really doesn't give us much time with him, and I'm fine with that.  Although the specialist appointment will costs us almost double in fees, tests and consults, I know it will be worth it.

But as for today, I'm rugged up in bed with a hot pack, a spew bucket, bottle of water, pain killers, salty crackers and my MacBook Pro.  The only thing missing is an excessive amount of chocolate....  

*calls Mike*

"Hey babe, are you still working around the corner?"

"Yeah."

"Can you do me a favour when you're done?"

"Okaaaay."

"Can you duck into the corner store and grab me some chocolates?"

"Yeah, what types?"

*thinks*  "Umm.....I'll text you a list."

PROBLEM SOLVED.  What's that you say?  Time to watch The Notebook, cry a bit and eat chocolate until I'm sick?  Oh, alright then.  Only because you're making me, though.

Cycle Update: 6DPP (Days Past Provera)

Today is cycle day 66 - six days since taking my last Provera tablet.  As you can see from my chart below, it looks as though Aunt Flow is no closer to arriving.  With the temperature drops on the previous two days, together with my semi-intense cramping on cycle day 63, I honestly thought my period would be here by now.  This morning's temperature has me a little thrown, however.

I will be calling my doctor's office this morning to find out what he thinks the 'norm' waiting time is for a Provera withdrawal bleed.  My sister-in-law told me she waited two weeks for hers to come, whereas others found it started only days after the last pill.  

Since my OBGYN refuses to take a proactive approach concerning me, I think I will have to make the first move here.

I can't remember the last time I had a cycle that lasted this long.  I understand that taking Provera can effectively add another 'two week wait' to my cycle, but seriously, this should've ended a long time ago.  

The last time I saw him, I asked whether there could be any explanation for what's going on - other than PCOS, since he so emphatically insists I DON'T have that.  His reasoning for saying I don't have PCOS, I might add, is that he saw one chart on which I recorded ovulation.  I made sure to tell him that the following two cycles were anovulatory, but that didn't seem to matter.  The fact that I ovulated in a cycle that began in October 2011, seems to be reason enough to assume PCOS is out of the question.  I don't think he understands the nature of the syndrome, do you?  

Anyway, after my pointed question about what could be causing this, he fumbled around and said there could be a variety of reasons why I'm not ovulating.  Like.....what exactly?  At this point I don't think he really cares to enlighten me.

So I will make the call, let him know that I'm still waiting, and see what he says.  I'm feeling particularly grouchy today, can you tell?  Maybe the old Witch is closer than I think.

Infertility Hindsight

I need you to do something for me.  Right now, I want you to think of something you've had to work through in your life.  An event you had to endure, a piece of gossip that changed everything, an announcement, a mistake you made, an accident you were in, a doctor's appointment that didn't go how you expected.  Now, if you could go back and stop this from happening, or change it somehow, would you?

Recently, my sister-in-law and I were talking about our infertility.  She also happens to be my hairdresser, so many of our conversations take place with my head covered in hair colour and aluminium foil.  Like me, she is also struggling to fall pregnant, which means we are an incredible support for one another.  

She and her husband of eight years have been trying for a baby a little longer than us and have not achieved a pregnancy of any kind.  He has perfect sperm, she has regular cycles and good-looking eggs.  She has tried Clomid, injectables, three IUI's and good 'ol fashioned baking-making sex.  Nothing has worked.  She is turning thirty this year and has decided enough is enough - it's time to investigate IVF.  I was telling her that I'm about to start Clomid - the next big step towards our bundle of joy - when she said this: 

"Jess, honestly, if the Clomid doesn't work and you still can't get pregnant, save your money and go straight to IVF.  If I had my time over again, I wouldn't bother with any of the other treatments.  There's no point wasting more time.  I mean, you want a baby, don't you?"

I must admit, I was shocked.  In that moment, I could see the toll unexplained infertility had taken on her.  Trying to make a baby had been the biggest, most stressful point in her life and marriage.

I got to thinking - how many of us in the 'Trying To Conceive' community would change our journey somehow?  If we could erase doctor's appointments, avoid unnecessary blood tests and ultrasounds, ignore the misguided advice of well-meaning friends and family, would we?  Are all of these events a waste of time, or are they pivotal to our story? 

Somebody once said to me, "Anybody who does anything significant with their life will walk with a limp."  Now, they weren't referring to a actual limp, but rather the idea that if your life is going to mean something, you will be wounded by the battles you've fought.  You walk through life with an ailment, a past, a story to tell.  For many of us infertiles, the story will be the same.

Of course, if you asked anyone struggling with infertility if they'd rather do without it, their answer will most definitely be YES.  No one wants to face the mountain.  But as the advice of my sister-in-law sank in, I realised that you can't change your story.  It was the several failed attempts that lead her to accept IVF as the next reasonable step.  And it was only after four years of trying to force my body into conceiving naturally, that I've come to accept medical intervention.  

Twelve months ago, if you had've given me a box of Clomid pills and said, "Here, take these and you will fall pregnant", I probably would've thrown them in the bin.  I wasn't ready to face it yet.  But four years of winding, uneven pathway have primed me for the next section of the road.  And in all honesty, I wouldn't change a thing.  Has it been hard as hell?  Yes.  Have I wished it would all go away?  Yes.  Have I been angry at God and my husband?  Yes.  But without my heartache, I wouldn't appreciate all the things I'm about to do right.  

When all is said and done, hindsight is an interesting thing.  For some it's a teacher, for others a tormentor.  As for me, well, hindsight is just hindsight.  

Out Of The Blue

Let me level with you for a moment.  Would you mind?  Right now, as I'm typing this, I feel as though I might never be pregnant.  In my head, I see myself as a mother, but the missing link is pregnancy.  I can't make the connection between my visions of raising children, and the reality of actually conceiving them.  And I know I'm not alone in this; many of you will identify with me immediately.

Now, you've got to understand that I'm not being pessimistic here.  I absolutely, 100% with every bone in my body, believe that I will fall pregnant and give birth to one (and God willing, more than one) perfect baby.  I know it's going to happen.  I know my husband's sperm will do the job eventually and I know my body will figure out what to do before it's too late.  Even if it takes a little force.

This morning, as I was catching up on the vlogs I'm subscribed to, I watched the latest from KidneyBaby, a twenty-year-old girl from New Zealand who's trying to conceive her first.  She's truly an inspiration to me, as she's not just your average girl - she's a kidney transplant survivor.  But that's another story.

In her latest vlog, she touched on the idea of actually being pregnant, and that it would feel 'out of the blue', regardless of the fact that they've been actively trying for quite some time.  Mike was sitting next to me as I was watching and he turned to me and said, "Is that how you'll feel when we finally fall pregnant?  Like it came out of nowhere?"

I stopped and thought about it.  "Probably.  We've been trying for so long, but it doesn't feel like it's actually going to happen.  When it does I think I'll be in disbelief."  It got me thinking.  I literally can't imagine seeing two pink lines on my First Response test.  I guess it's the same as anything else in life.  If you've worked towards something for long enough, when it's over, finished, goal reached - it feels surreal.  We often find ourselves not believing that we actually did it.  We made it, it's over, job well done.  Obviously after a big fat positive, there are still some eight or nine months of pregnancy and however many hours of labour to conquer, but at least you can tick 'get pregnant' off the list.

As soon as I pop that first Clomid pill into my mouth, maybe it will feel closer than ever.  But I can't shake the feeling that maybe I'll be perpetually 'trying to conceive'.  Always an infertile, never a pregnant woman.  But maybe, just maybe, it will happen sooner than I think and I'll be staring at a positive pregnancy test.  I'm sure I'll even look down at my pregnant belly in the months that follow and wonder how on earth we did it. 

Conception Roulette

Each and every pregnancy is a miracle.  The creation of life is such a beautiful thing, and not one of us can claim total responsibility for it.  But at the end of the day, conception is a game of Roulette, and the odds are always against us.

I recently watched a Discovery documentary titled, "The Great Sperm Race", in which the creators attempted to portray the existence of a human sperm at a size and scale that we understand.  It was humorous, enlightening and moving all at the same time.  

Not only did it educate me even further about the near impossible mission given to each sperm, but it opened my eyes to the fact that each of us standing here, are an utter defiance of nature and science.

Everything I've learnt along this infertility journey has taught me that we are not in control.  All the planning and researching, the medications and blood tests, the doctor's appointments and ultrasounds - they give us a sense of power and command.  But in reality, we are playing a game ruled entirely by luck. 

Now, don't get me wrong, I believe in God.  And I believe that His timing is perfect.  But without knowing what His timing is exactly, I feel like I'm playing a game without any rules.  Cross your fingers, hold your tongue right, stand on one leg and bob up and down.  What's that?  You forgot to cross your fingers?  Start all over again.

Talk to any of my dear friends who are also trying to conceive and they will likely tell you the same thing:  "I have no idea why I'm not pregnant yet.  I have perfect eggs, my partner has perfect sperm, we have sex at the perfect time.  I can't understand why it's not happening."  My sister-in-law has said this very thing to me several times.  She and her husband seem to have all the winning cards in their hands.  Nature is most certainly not against them.  And yet, their doctors stand back and scratch their heads after each failed cycle.  Five years of well-timed sex and three IUI's later, they have not achieved a pregnancy of any kind.  I can't help but wonder, what the hell is going on?

I'm sure many of you have cried those exact words.  Each pregnancy announcement from those around you feels like a personal attack; a reminder of your inability to do what they're doing.  Whether you hold the winning card or not, seems to be irrelevant.  

I guess I've come to accept that conception is a game that us infertiles will never learn.  The medication you once responded to so well, now makes no difference at all.  The well-timed IUI fails over and over.  The method you used to conceive your first child, refuses to work for your second.  Whatever you're facing right now, take heart.  None of us really know what we're doing.  Our names are drawn at random, with no rhyme or reason.  

But the beauty is, we're all at the same table.  Each of us is waiting for our name to be called, and when it is, we'll stand to our feet, confused and speechless.  "It worked!" we'll cry.  But what worked?  You see, that's the answer you'll never know.